October financial

Overspent by $569.30


I’m still paying student loans and medical debt. When I really run out of money I can stop student loans, at least temporarily. Not a long term solution, but it will help.


Starting next month I will have slightly higher income, slightly lower daycare costs. Medical debt will finally be paid off (I really should look at the health care exchange and see if I can save money on monthly premium, but I haven’t gotten around to it). Should look at phone/internet costs too. Spending more on holiday gifts, holiday travel, blah blah blah. I wish I could just exempt myself from holidays, but I cannot.


Overall, though, I think things will average out over the next few months. My lease is up early next year, so I could potentially find more affordable housing. There might be other household changes I can pull off. At the very least, I can start using my credit card more often and just put off some expenses until after the holidays/tax filing. I expect much of what Babybot needs will be received for Christmas.


I work on self care. If I can’t change most of my living situation or expenses, perhaps I can keep myself from losing it.


But the film in your memory, you cannot walk out of it so easily. Wherever you go it is always playing. So when I say that I am a refugee, you must understand that there is no refuge.


Finished at negative $592.10


Still paying student loans, still paying off medical bills, two months behind on transit reimbursement.


I must look desperate because my pastor slipped me a hundred dollars for the baby.


I had a job interview today and another on Friday. I know I’ll be laid off in the next 18 months, and I should know when in the next couple of weeks. The field I’m in is being overhauled and entering a new service model and new funding structure, so all of the existing positions will be phased out and new jobs will replace them. But we aren’t being promised new jobs under the new system. The job descriptions and background requirements will be different, so they expect to hire a lot of better qualified people from outside the organization.


I continue to expect major legal expenses. any day now, as Babybot’s alleged father keeps escalating. it costs almost $400 just to file a complaint about him violating the restraining order. plus $25 to request a copy of a police report, and there must be a dozen of them now. and that doesn’t include the cost of actually hiring a lawyer.


August financial

Finished the month in black!!

$752.31 to be exact.

Of course, that was only due to the rare occurrence of receiving a third paycheck within the calendar month, but never mind that.


In September looms the possibility of additional child care costs as my work schedule changes with the school year. I’ve been good about keeping grocery and home goods spending low. I don’t expect any holiday/birthday/etc spending, or any travel.


There could be major legal expenses though.


I haven’t changed my loan payments, but I will as soon as my situation gets more desperate.  I’m looking at other daycare options too.

next steps

I hate feeling damaged. I hate having to fight back tears and curse words. I hate being afraid all the time.


For months I begged him to get help. When he wouldn’t I begged him to just leave me alone. When he wouldn’t do that I filed a restraining order.

He’s made it clear now that he won’t obey it.

The next step is a criminal complaint. I will need to serve him the petition/summons and present my case in court. I don’t know if I have enough evidence or not. I don’t know if I have the strength. 


I never did attend counseling. The places that take my insurance have obscenly long waitlists. The places that don’t require insurance are out of my price range. I do need counseling though, to survive seeing him at court. I will need counseling afterwards. I’ve started telling parts of the story online, both here and elsewhere. It’s helped put things in perspective. It’s helped organize my thoughts. It’s helped me recognize how really damaging the whole thing was. And still is.


I’ve lived in fear for two years, now why is the only potential solution is just as frightening?

the long view


Working in social services, dealing with a psychotic ex, seeing people fall apart. The mantra of the industrty is “Treatment Works.” But we all knew that for some people (or even most people, some of the time) it abolutely doesn’t. Or maybe “Works” is a little too vague. Getting rid of command hallucinations, yes, is important, but there are other factors that impact quality of life, public safety, ability to maintain employment.

I understand why people refuse medication. They can feel that long term damage being done. The numbness, weight gain, blood sugar problems, digestive problems, tardive diskenesia. Drooling. Diminished capacities and diminished life span. And although we keep saying “Treatment Works” we also insist that treatment should never be manditory. Coercive treatment traumatizes.

What it really means is that treatment CAN work, but people are rightfully afraid of it too. Drugs have changed over the past few decades, but that means we haven’t studied the full long-term impact either. And we can’t learn more about other options if we keep insisting that what we have is working. Instead of partnering with friends and family members who could help monitor symptoms on a day to day basis, we actually drive them away by denying the problem, denying the need for help, refusing to talk about the reality of living with medication.

I undersand the arguments, but I would NEVER argue against medication where safety is concerned. The man who talks about killing my daughter periodically refuses medication because he’s self conscious about his weight. Every single time he’s been unmedicated he’s ended up being arrested, hospitalized, etc. Even medicated he’s unable to mantain employment or relationships. He’s still dangerous. But his story is not typical of others with his diagnosis. He’s a bad person with or without psychosis, with or without hallucinations. For some people choosing recommended medications really is a lose-lose situation. But no one wants to talk about that. We just smile quiety and insist that “Treatment Works.”