fear

I had an anxiety attack shortly after arriving at my office this morning. Because babybot’s father emailed me. I react like that just seeing his name pop up in my inbox. I went home and cried for a couple of hours. Made a series of unsuccessful phonecalls (mostly me crying into someone’s voicemail) to family law advocates, domestic violence agencies, and therapists.

 

Eventually I calmed down enough to actually OPEN the email, which said he plans to file for custody.

 

This is what I’ve dreaded sinces the moment I realized I was pregnant. I haven’t seen him face to face in 10 months. I haven’t spoken to him since right after she was born. Maybe things have changed since then. (I have to keep telling myself this.) It will eventually be left to a judge to decide whether he is a capable parent or a danger to others. I don’t have to decide it myself, all I have to do is sit in a courtroom and tell the truth. I had to move, change jobs, block numbers, basically go into hiding because I felt my life and hers were in danger. I begged and begged and begged him to get help and he wouldn’t. So he’s never met his child.

 

My greatest fear is that the judge will allow him to have visitation and he’ll do something terrible to her.  I don’t know if I can handle this.

 

I keep telling myself maybe he has changed. I keep telling myself the judge will make sure we are safe. I keep telling myself this will somehow be okay, but I’m afraid.

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